Coming Back to Istanbul

It's strange how quickly a year can pass. It's almost years since we settled down in Istanbul. 

A few years back, I was still thinking of Istanbul as a temporary place. A place where I came to study, finish my Master's degree, attend classes, write my thesis, and eventually go home.

But somewhere along the way, things changed. In this city, I am no longer a student.

And somehow, Istanbul has become a place I call home.

When I first came to Istanbul, my life was quite different. I arrived as a student, carrying all the usual worries that come with moving to another country. I had my studies, my scholarship, my Turkish classes, assignments, thesis, and a rather uncertain idea of what would come after graduation.

I never really imagined that I would still be here almost a year after finishing my Master's.

Allah had other plans.

After a few years of working in Kuala Lumpur, I eventually found myself back in Istanbul. This time, I came back not as a student, but as a wife and a working woman. My days have been filled with work, responsibilities, meetings, official programmes, people, paperwork, and all the little things that come with building a life in another country.

Sometimes, I find it funny that I came back to the same city, but with a completely different life.

The Istanbul I left in 2021 knew me as a student. The Istanbul I returned to knows me as a wife, a working woman, and someone who now has responsibilities far beyond university.

Perhaps that is what growing up looks like.

You return to a place you once knew, only to realise that you are no longer the person who left. And Istanbul has witnessed all of it.

The beautiful days, the exhausting days, the lonely days, the exciting days.

The days when I felt like I had finally figured things out, and the days when I wondered what exactly I was doing with my life.

There were moments when I missed Malaysia terribly. The food, the familiarity, my family, the feeling of knowing exactly where I belonged.

But there were also moments when I looked out at the Bosphorus, walked through the streets of Istanbul, or simply sat somewhere with a cup of coffee and thought, I actually live here.

Not as a tourist. Not as a student waiting to leave.

I live here.

I have a routine here. I have work here. I have people here. I have responsibilities here. I have memories here.

That feeling took some time to arrive.

Maybe that is what “settling down” really means. It doesn't necessarily mean that everything is perfect or that you suddenly stop missing home. It simply means that the unfamiliar slowly becomes familiar.

You know which road to take. You know where to buy the things you need. You know how the city works. You have favourite places. You have people you can call.

And one day, without noticing, you stop counting the days until you leave.

I think the biggest change in this past year is not really Istanbul.

It is me.

I came here as a student, thinking mostly about what I wanted to achieve. Now I find myself thinking more about the life I want to build. My career, marriage, family, and future. The kind of person I want to become.

I am still figuring it all out, of course.

I don't think adulthood comes with a moment where everything suddenly makes sense. If anything, the older I get, the more I realise that life is mostly about figuring things out as you go.

But I am grateful. Grateful for the opportunities that brought me here.

Almost a year ago, I was still wondering what my life in Istanbul would look like.

Now, I am simply living it. And maybe that is the most beautiful part. I don't know how long Istanbul will remain home.

Maybe for another year. Maybe for many more. But for now, this is my life.

A Malaysian lady, living in Istanbul, trying to build a life between two countries, two cultures, two languages, and many versions of herself.